We’re bringing in the new year with some wacky predictions.

Brandi Rinks

Americans’ insatiable appetite for reality television, competitions where they can choose a winner by tweeting, and nipple slip controversies will lead to our Dancing with the Stars being more like Argentina’s Dancing with the Stars.  NSFW!

Earthworms will replace foxes and owls as the trendy animals of the year, so Etsy’s frontpage will be filled with slimy grimy creatures every single day.

Tiny pies on sticks will become more popular than cupcakes and cake pops, and I’ll become the fattest person in the world because I love pie!  Naturally, I’ll become a judge on TINY PIE WARS, a new show to premiere on the Food Network. Sorry, Hexbeat!  I’ll try to give you an interview after I get famous.

Someone will take over the lease on the building that houses the Hi Tone Cafe after the Memphis venue/restaurant vacates in February.  Instead of pizza the new owners will serve amazing tacos, and they’ll leave more lights on when the bands play so all the photographers will be overjoyed.

Daniel Doyle

The band Toxie will cover Helium’s No Guitars EP in its entirety.

Marc Smirnoff and Carol Ann Fitzgerald will become regular contributors to Hexbeat.

Warwick Sabin will become a regular contributor to Hexbeat.

The band Tiger $tyle will record and master to tape, and put out some kind of vinyl release.

Bobby Petrino will fuck someone up the ass, drink a Diet 7-Up.

Trip Cook will guest host the Old School Wrestling Podcast.

Daddy Daycare will be a meme.

Jane Dear

Employers will start adding “YOLO” to Google searches to eliminate job candidates.

The Mummies will go on a short tour and play Fayetteville, AR.

All of my friends will realize they really actually do love karaoke.

I will finally start to write my Definitive Guide to Gas Station Food in the US.

Ruckus Bame

Instead of the 80s, our fashion trend updates will come from Before Christ and be worn ironically by our parents.

Alien life will contact Earth, looking for directions to Pluto. Pluto will prove itself once and for all.

More people will find and love and fame Kitty Pryde and I will lose any chance to be her bottom bitch.

Ryan Snowden

Is it too early to predict the best album of 2013? I’m predicting Black Bug’s Reflecting The Light LP to be released early next year on Hozac/Eighteen Records as the year’s best.

I’ll also boldly predict now that Dick Clark is dead we will all have to endure Ryan Seacrest or Carson Daly dropping the ball (figuratively and literally) every New Years for the next 50 years.

I've played in some bands that did little touring, and written for newspapers that did little journalism. I succeeded at grad school, but failed to join the salaried bourgeoisie. As you read this I'm either living with my parents in Sedgwick, Ark. while I save up money to tour with a new band, or am on tour with that new band. I'll give the name of the new band once we clear it with our attorney friend, because of course that name a.) rhymes with a dead rock star's name and b.) is already used by a German DJ. I'm looking for a drummer willing to tour so hit me up if you're interested or know anybody.

bouyant purveyor of messages from thin air. rap fiend. amazon leans. always lookin for more black art and candy and scary dreams.

Ryan hasn’t asked anyone to write a bio about him so we’ll take submissions for one.

An Arkansas girl living in Memphis, TN. I love pugs, live music, slasher movies, and absurdity. Send me photos of your favorite hot dogs.

Miss Dear reads too much. Her personal brand is glitter and her favorite accessories are bruises from shows. She is still quite torn up about David Bowie. You can often find her taking pictures of her precious cats or at a dive bar being mediocre at karaoke. She's a PacNW native that loves the South.

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